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| 'cause my chains fell off, my heart was free
i'm alive to live for you
i'm alive to live for you
amazing love, how can it be?
'cause you gave everything for me
you gave everything for me
everything...
it's been a while since i've written about my life. too long for that matter. so much has happened these past months. there have been points where i wanted to write a note telling of what's going on, but i've never really found the time or the motivation. i'm not too sure why i suddenly have found the time and the motivation to do so considering that tomoro is retreat and i should be practicing bass or figuring out devotional stuff. it's always in the worst of times where i find the time to write. at least it's in the daytime and not like at 3am at night when i wrote my last one. it's something about 3am in the morning that kinda awakens certain things in my body that allows me to do my best work. whether it be stay up until 3 or sleep at like 7pm and wake up at 3 (which i did quite often in junior year), i tend to get the most/best work down at that hour. i'm not quite sure if that's a good thing. sometimes maybe it's not just the hour of the night, but the last minute panic bs engine kicking into gears that i didn't even know existed. that's something new i learned after writing my 10 page research paper the night before it was due. granted it probably wasn't the best paper i wrote, but i still managed a B and that got me a B (prob around 80%) in lit which well, i'm frankly really satisfied with (considering i worked like crazy first semester only to end up with a 88% and still a B). as i look back at my high school career, i don't think time management was necessarily my problem. most people say that if you have good time management you won't procrastinate. while that is true, for me i think my main problem was motivation, or lack thereof. i had a good 3 or so months to write this paper, but every time i sit down and try, i wouldn't feel very motivated. knowing that, i prepared myself to when the last minute of panic would be a pretty good driving force of motivation (getting all the articles ready, etc.) there's another testimony in itself with this paper. so unfortunately, the week the paper was due, i got sick. so like the paper was due friday, i got sick monday. not just a little sick, really really sick. originally i was planning on working on my paper during tues and wed, but instead, i spent those two days in bed with a high fever. so as i was lying there in my miserable state hating my life and thinking that what if i don't finish this paper. and because i didn't finish it i would fail lit. and because i failed lit, ucla would rescind me. and then my life basically goes down the drain from there. so as i was freaking out in my bed, God kinda just spoke to me and was like, so what? okay maybe he didn't say that exactly, but basically what if that is what happened, what if i failed my paper, failed lit, got rescinded from college, and life = crap, am i still good? and that really kinda pierced through me. now granted i don't think that's what God necessarily intended to happen (because that's not, i managed to finish my paper in a night, turn it in, get a B, pass lit). thinking back again, i don't think i was alone in writing that paper. God definitely helped me there, so maybe i don't really have whatever crazy gears in my mind that can do crazy work, but it's really God working through me. it's been quite interesting every time i get really sick because God always seems to be talking to me. maybe because my mind is really jell-o and since i'm just lying there in bed, there's nothing really distracting me, allowing me to actually hear God i guess. interesting, ministering to myself while writing a note. i'm not even sure what i'm writing about anymore. oh yes i remember now, why i'm even writing a note in the first place. maybe it's because retreat is tomoro that i want to write this experience down first before i get some more crazy stuff God is going to do/show me during retreat. i really hope and pray that God just comes and rocks people at retreat. i pray that his spirit would just fill us. but anyhow, here i am typing away into empty white space not really sure where to begin. i'm pretty sure i've lost most of the unimportant skimmers of notes by now. and if you're still reading this now, good job. high five.... jellyfish! =P
i guess the place that i can really start at is just how my life has been with God these past couple years. i must confess, i didn't spend much time with God at all, or any for that matter. like i went to church and stuff and served. went to agape, and served and prayed. throughout all of junior year i had been so caught up in academics and other stuff. actually i guess after the last conference i went to back in soph year, supernatural on campus down in ucla (which was crazy and awesome and there's a crazy testimony behind how i even went there), i came back so on fire and passionate, but eventually things of this world began getting in the way. although i was still serving and still doing all the christian things, in my personal life with God, i hadn't been really cultivating that at all even though i knew in my mind that it was the right thing to do and it'll help my life a lot. eventually the passion and the love and the fire started dying and i just stopped spending time with God. i placed like everything above him. it was quite stupid of me thinking about it actually, but anyways. life became more and more tough for me. God was still there though. and i've been struggling a lot with consequences of my decisions because i chose to disobey God when he told me not to pursue in the area of relationships because the core of my problems rests in my identity which i'm trying to find in Christ. my friend describes it pretty well. there's an infinite God shaped void in my heart which can only be filled by an infinite God. when i try to fill it with finite worldly things, it may temporarily work for a while, but eventually it doesn't and i'm broken and even more lost than before. i've known this and i've known that i need to seek God, but in the midst of all this i still lacked the passion, desire, hunger, fire, love for God. one of the things that i've learned is that we're allowed to make mistakes. granted we have to suffer the consequences, but it's from these mistakes where we learn and grow. and even more interestingly enough, if we don't get the lesson and learn it the first time, the similar situations with the same problem and the same mistakes keep coming up until we finally get it. and for me, it took me many many times to learn this lesson. God is the only one who can truly satisfy me.
so in the midst of that, school ended. i still can't believe that i'm done with high school. i was really sad for a while and most of my summer has been devoted to trying to hang out with as many people as possible. i got a job working for my friend doing landscaping in the morning to have some money to play with and hang out with people. one of the biggest grievances of my heart was just not enough time and that i wouldn't be able to see these ppl i've seen like almost all my life. and i never found time or opportunity to share with that the life that i have found in God. granted my walk with God hadn't exactly been going too smoothly either. i realized that i don't have much control over this and that's okay because God is in control. i can still pray for them and there will be times when i see them again. so back to my experience with God, i tried to become passionate again, tried hard to love God again on my own, tried to do anything. later on i would learn that i was striving to achieve these things by my own power and my own strength. it was randomly during one friday when my good friend long decides to invite me to his fellowship and although at first i was a little weary, i decided to go anyways. that meeting turned out to be very very blessing one because the presence of God was just there and it's been so long since i've felt the presence and his spirit. i remember at one we were just like let God speak to you and sam was like expect him to say something. so i was like uhh ok... haven't done this in a while, but sure. and i just kept getting the words "stop trying." and after a couple times i kinda understood that God was telling me to stop striving to be all passionate, spiritual, etc, but just to be with him and be in his presence. "be still and know that i am God." just being in that atmosphere was so refreshing and everyone there was really nice and welcoming to me. interestingly enough i knew like more than half of them already randomly (elementary school and at palace bbq yum). i would also later go on and go to Jesus culture with some of them, and i guess here comes the part that i really want to share about.
this past week i went to a conference called Jesus culture up in bethel church in redding, and i am so glad that i went. it's been so long since i've experienced the presence of God and the Holy Spirit like i did up there. God totally rocked me and changed my life again from how i had been feeling these past two years. some may say this is just a spiritual high that people get after going to conferences and stuff and that's what i would think too. i actually had been pretty weary about going to conferences because i felt that all they did was give spiritual highs which would eventually die down and i'd be stuck feeling even worse than before because i would see where i had been before and the passion i had before and how it's not here anymore. i'd feel like i didn't love God enough because of that because of the lack of emotions etc etc. so before Jesus culture, i really didn't know what to expect. i didn't want another spiritual high which would just die after a while. however, before the conference, i talked to kim who had been going to Jesus culture like every year for however long and i asked her why she went. what she told me really helped me to look and approach this conference a different way. the thing that really helped that she told me was conferences are not necessary to sustain the walk, but they're like "supplements." and hearing that really helped me see clearly and i guess be okay with going to conferences again. but then as i said before, God just totally wrecked me. the biggest revelation i probably got was that we can't love God on our own, but we love him because he first loved us and God is crazy in love with you. it's my heart's cry now to just seek after God and to know his love. to truly know it like knowing that a right upper cut in a ufc match hurts because i'm standing in the ring taking it and not watching it on tv. so these couple days after Jesus culture i've just been spending time with God and seeking after his face. i've gotten so much revelation and heard so many testimonies there. tuesday was pretty crazy going up to baayf and spending time with God and doing that crazy fire tunnel turned massive impartation and prophesying prayer meeting haha.
God is just so good guys. and he's so in love with us. it's so amazing. i remember viv saying on the drive back just how real all this stuff is. like God is just so real. it's not just something we learn about, but it's something we experience. it's a relationship and as with all relationships you need to spend time with them. there's so much more that i could talk about, like treasure hunting testimonies and just all the awesome crazy things that the holy spirit is doing, but i'm running out of time. all in all, it all comes back down to my relationship with God and seeking after him. "seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be added unto you." and i plan to do that with all my heart and all that i am. interestingly enough i had been planning to spend a week at ihop in kansas city and i bumped into my friend matt who is going too, so i'm going along with him. i really hope to get really grounded in God before i head off into college. oh college... that's a whole other note in itself to write about not knowing what to expect. but anyways nothing's gonna hold me back anymore because i've tasted and seen that the Lord is good. i really like the song that i have at the beginning of my note because i feel that way in a sense. that my chains are now gone and now i'm free to live for you. free from my own preconceptions, free from myself, free from fear and intimidation, freedom. there's just so much joy and freedom in knowing God and his love. i just pray that God would just pour out his spirit over the people at retreat this weekend. that it would be more than just another time to hangout. not that fellowship is wrong, but i just pray that God wrecks people this weekend, that they would truly encounter and experience the living God.
someone recently asked me if i thought that if it was hard being a christian sometimes. i thought about it for a second and the answer i came up with was yes and no for the same reason. God wants our all. quoting banning "christianity is free, but it will cost you your entire life." "God wants all of you." it's hard sometimes because we don't want to give him our all, our everything, and there are parts of our lives that we are holding onto. at the same time it's really easy because it's all or nothing. God wants our all. and when we begin living that way, giving God our all, everything else just follows from that heart and that mentality. that we are not our own anymore that we are God's. but it's totally worth it. we're dead and become new creations, we are sons and daughters of God. we are royalty, etc etc.
God is just so good guys. =)
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 | | |
| it's always the times when i have so much to do and too little time to do it when i decide to write and post about my life. so much has happened lately. most of it i don't even want to talk about. maybe that's why i've been avoiding updating on my life. yet so recently (being like yesterday and the day before) i decided to go through all my old xanga posts for lack of better things to do (actually for lack of motivation for doing my college apps which i technically should be working on right now, but once again, i'm not). i realized that many times i don't want to write about things going on in my life, especially if they are particularly personal and hurting, it helps me a lot when i go back and read about it. yes i could write this in a normal journal where no one can read it, but for some weird reason i'd rather open it to the public. it's something about letting everything out and being transparent to the world which brings a sense of freedom. the other thing is it's not like anyone actually reads these. and as they say those that matter don't mind and those that do mind don't matter.
well i have no idea where to start, so letsee start with right now. i'm currently sitting in my living room typing away on my new macbook. i convinced my parents to buy my college computer now because of black friday sales. i'm very satisfied with it although i need to somehow track down a windows xp boot cd in order to run parallels and windows applications. there are some quirks i need to get use to, but otherwise it's a really good computer. top of the line right now. anyways i'm listening to alternative/rock (altenrock?) songs and realized i do really like these kinds of songs. so co *pounds chest*. anyways so this morning i spent some time with some brothers and sisters just fellowshiping, talking, eating pizza at mountain mikes (thanks brandon), and worshiping. it was a really good time and helped me quite a bit cuz well recently i've been going through a lot of stuff. i felt a lot better after spending time in the presence of God. i guess now that i'm on this topic, it can't hurt to share anymore.
so long story short, i did something i probably shouldn't have done in retrospect. although i don't regret it because i did mean every word i said. actually i'm not sure anymore because the past couple months have been very hectic and i'm not sure if i was right in mind (the best case scenario for applying to colleges eh?). no.. i do, at least i did. basically, i told her the truth about how i felt and she didn't feel the same. bummer, it hurts, but behind all this was a world of stuff going on between me and God. in short, due to previous things between me and God, i would not pursue any kind of relationship until God said yes. throughout all of summer and up until that autumn day, i had struggled with God over this constantly coming before him with this question. God was silent on the issue, and since He never said yes, it basically means no. why does it mean that? so here's the thing. going back to my testimony, my darkness in my life was based off of feeling rejected by everyone, unaccepted, unwanted, unloved. this did wonders to my self-worth, significance, or lack thereof. when Jesus saved me however, He gave me worth and significance and i found my identity in Christ. so then i needed to find my sense of worth, feeling loved, significance and identity in God. thus, a relationship was very dangerous for me because of my susceptibility in this area. i could not go into a relationship because i would start finding my sense of worth, feeling loved, significance and identity in a girl instead of God, which i had done before with my previous infatuation (and that ended horribly with me going through depression etc). yet, at the time, this felt different, and it was different. we were friends and i actually thought she felt the same way, but yea. anyways it started becoming a really big problem because i started becoming really caught up with my struggle with God that it started paralyzing me. like this was during uc apps so it was not very fun because of the overwhelming stress of the workload plus the spiritual emotional struggle. not a fun combination. i had done some things which had me fairly invested (or so i thought), so it came to the point where i had to tell her the truth for two reasons. one it was paralyzing me so i had to resolve this issue asap. two (which i at the time i couldn't even remember because i was so caught up in the moment) so i thought i was the one leading her on because i couldn't be in a relationship right now due to the reasons listed above, thus i needed to make things clear. yet looking back at it again, in my heart i still wanted to be with her. i was hoping this could work out and even if i had i could struggle with God more in this issue, it seemed like it would be better. yet, that's not how it turned out. she didn't feel the same and so that knocks her out the equation. it's just between me and God now and now i won't live a life of regret thinking what if i had tried to pursue this relationship, where would that road lead? i know where that road led now and now i suffer the consequences of my actions, which would be pain, hurt, suffering, and a friendship that will take a lot of time and God to heal and be the same again. sometimes i wish it didn't have to be this way, but ultimately it was for the best and this is currently the best situation that could have possibly happened in regards to what i'm dealing with God. i laugh at myself because having so much confidence back then, i even said i hope she didn't feel the same because then i could just go emo for a while and recover eventually and be done with it. in my mind however i didn't think this would actually happen. i knew the "risk" yet at the same time i didn't, but that's not the point. so now here i am a few months after this and these past two months have been hectic and painful and very similar to what i went through with the first girl in terms of feeling pain and hurt and emotions etc. yet through this experience, God just has also been so good to me and has revealed a lot to me. one of the greatest revelations i've had in this time is God is big. like God is really really really big. He's bigger than our minds can comprehend. we can't limit God, we can't put God in a box, we can't understand everything he does and how he does it. and ultimately, God is in control. He is in control of everything. He has a master plan, a plan for my life, a plan for your life a plan for everyone's life. all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be (psalms 139:16). and God is a good God and he means well for me. for i know the plans i have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future (jeremiah 29:11). and in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose (romans 8:28). these verses, these promises from God, i have been holding on to throughout this whole time of suffering believing in better days to come, believing that there is a reason, there is a purpose behind all this. that everything that happens in my life, God means for good, even the "mistakes" i make. even what satan meant for bad, God can use for good. so going back, God is big and we cannot limit the ways he works. He can use anything and everything to mold you and shape you into the person he has planned for you to be, even what we deem as mistakes and failures. although we must still suffer the consequences of our actions, i feel pain and hurt over the consequences of what happened, God can and does use these things to mold us and shape us. although i've been going through a lot of pain, God has showed me so much about himself and myself through this. and i know that in the end, everything will be alright because God is good and He means well for me. God is in control so whatever happens to me, good or bad, i am still in his hands and whatever decisions i make, success or failure in my eyes, God can use them to mold me and shape me. in a way, there is no such as failure anymore because although my current situation may seem terrible, i may be in pain but God has a plan for my life and he means well for me. He has a happy ending for me even if it's not in this life here on earth. thus, there is freedom because no matter what happens, no matter what i do, i am in His hands, where i'm supposed to be, he will bring me there, yet there is still freewill. the outcome will be the same but i still have the choices to make. i can choose to obey God which ultimately makes my life easier because everything that God tells us to do is mean to protect us and keep us on the right track (yes i know there may be exceptions etc.) or i can choose not to obey God and learn the lessons the hard way, but God still loves me and the path will lead to where He wants me to go. yet even at the same time, i can choose to reject God and reject his plan for his life in which there is a point where God's justice also comes into play because God is also a just God. this is starting to get confusing and i'm not sure this is a logical explanation of everything of all this, but to me it all makes sense. so in sense, there is joy and freedom and essentially i can do whatever i want because i am in God's hands. of course that doesn't mean i go and do just anything. this is paired with love and the desire to follow God. God is always there to pick me up when i fall.
woo that was quite long actually. anyways, as of now, i'm going through a horrible time in that sense emotionally and am really in quite a lot of pain. i don't know if our friendship will ever be the same again. maybe it's just me and she's totally unaffected. i don't know. there's a billion different scenarios, no more than that. either way, it's gonna take time and God to heal. yet even though i'm going through all this hurt, i'm holding on to God, holding on to his promises to give me a hope and a future, hoping for better days to come. there are days where i don't feel so hopeful and the last thing i wanna hear is things will get better because it just feels like my world is collapsing around me. but in those times, i am reminded that in everything, it's not about me. it's about God and how He made me and His purpose for my life. He created me for so much more than i can imagine. as i was going through my old xanga posts, as i was in pain back then in that time like i am now, God was doing amazing things in my life, with me and through me. there are so many testimonies which i have lost sight of after the past couple years and the passion i just had back then. times change yet God never changes. God is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. i believe that God is going to do amazing things just like he did before. this pain is kinda like a thorn in the side in a way, keeping me humble throughout all that has happened knowing that God's the one who's doing everything. all glory, honor, power, and praise to him. God is good, all the time. all the time, Good is good.
so i guess i can write about some other stuff that has been going on. i guess i need to start updating more often so i don't have to end up trying to remember everything i did so i can write it down and keep a record. letsee so senior year started. very stressful year. ap lit is killing me. on nights where there's hw i don't sleep haha. jazz choir is awesome. oooh honor choir was fun. okay let's stay in order now. september... nothing happened i think. i've just been working doing college apps. oh yea september i was going through the first thing with that other thing, but then i finally made peace with it and accepted that it was just another season in my life. letsee, october, homecoming was fun but didn't participate in it as much this year cuz of well work and college apps. november, uc apps ahh, and well that happened. letsee there was also honor choir which was really awesome. thanksgiving dinner. december, more school and finals and reading crime & punishment (good book go read it). my bday which was awesome (thanks suz). and break which had me working on college apps (fun..). and christmas didn't feel like christmas but i still got awesome gifts (thanks suz, sal, greg, aunties, grandma, etc.) i wish i could've gone caroling but stupid college apps. oh well next year. it was awesome hanging out with college ppl coming back. and yea so here i am now, on the brink of finishing college apps and becoming a real second semester senior. i've planned it all out. i worked so hard up until now so i can enjoy this next semester to just play. i'm just taking 3 real classes (gov, lit, and phys) with 2 choirs. and so i get out at lunch everyday to play! yay! but i feel that there is more than just playing. i believe that God is doing stuff and we'll see where that goes. but yea, so as they say (or as i say actually probably) whatever happens, happens, so don't worry about it.
greater things have yet to come, greater things are still to be done.
one thing... | | |
| it's been quite a while since i've written publicly about my life.
mainly because i guess life hasn't been too eventful for me lately. my
summer consisted of classes, doing jigsaw puzzles (i blame frances),
and reading romance novels (i blame james). yet throughout this entire
outer experience of my life, there's a whole world inside my own mind
where it's been absolutely crazy.
normally after a retreat or a conference or something i would usually
write about that event, either as something to share to encourage
others or just a record for myself. this retreat has been really good.
i met a ton of new people and got to see a lot of familiar faces. the
message was good and definitely a good reminder for me. in essence, it
was about just being real and who you really are in God, to be
spiritually authentic, focusing around romans 12:1-2.
okay i guess i lied, i did share something about retreat, but that's
not the point. i'm not sure how to write this and i don't even know if
this will even encourage anyone. i'm not too sure if i even want to
remember any of this. oh well whatever. anyways, i guess i'll start
from last november.
last november, there was a supernatural conference led by jaeson ma
down in ucla. it was absolutely amazing how God prepared everything to
get me down there. rode down with people i've never met before and
stayed with people i've never met before either, but praise God for his
provision. so that conference was awesome and God moved in amazing ways.
however, in the following months, maybe it was just the stress of
junior year, i started spending less time with God. and the more i
think about it, i feel like even when i tried to, i wouldn't feel
anything. my spiritual life started becoming dry. i mean it's not like
i stopped going to church or reading the bible, but it's more like,
everything was just numb. it almost felt like God was leaving me alone
or something. the only thing that kept me going was expectation and
knowing that something would happen again.
summer came and things got a little better, not really. well i guess it
mainly became a struggle with God. i thought that something things of
this world would satisfy me and i really struggled because i knew that
nothing in this world could satisfy me like the way God satisfies. yet
i felt like this would, and i continued on even when i knew that God
wanted me to give it up. and i wanted to, i wanted to surrender
everything and go back to God and guard my heart, but at the same time
i didn't.
it wasn't until this past weekend at retreat where i realized
somethings. first, i am weak, and yet i rely on myself for so many
things when i know that God is a solid rock i can stand on. i feel like
i've got everything down many times and that i can stand on my own
without God. second, God showed me something in myself where i
concluded that i'm not ready and this really helped me surrender the
thing i struggled to hold on to with God for so long. third, God is
always there, even when you can't see him, feel him, sense him, or
anything, and He continually works in my life whether i realize it or
not, whether i feel him or not. His plan for my life is perfect. He has
a plan and a purpose to prosper me, to give me a hope and a future,
"and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love
him, who have been called according to his purpose." romans 8:28
i guess i should mention what stirred on this sudden sharing of my
life. when i was driving back yesterday evening from the library, i
heard the song "empty me" by chris sligh on the radio. i have listened
to this song before many times; however, this time in light of what i
was going through, the lyrics pierced straight into my heart,
especially these: "i know how i can stray, and how fast my heart could
change.."
i lift this song up as a prayer for my life. for God to empty me of all
my selfish ambitions, and to seek after the one thing. the one thing
that can and will truly satisfy me. the one thing that is everything.
to lay down my pride, to humble myself, to surrender.. everything.
because in the end, it's worth it, and God is more than worthy of all
the glory, honor, and praise. in Jesus' name, amen.
at least the rain has finally stopped. =)
Empty Me - Chris Sligh
I've had just enough of the spotlight when it burns bright
To see how it gets in the blood
And I've tasted my share of the sweet life and the wild ride
And found a little is not quite enough
I know how I can stray
And how fast my heart could change
Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you
I've seen just enough of the quick buys of the best lies
To know how prodigals can be drawn away
I know how I can stray
And how fast my heart could change
Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you
Cause everything is a lesser thing
Compared to you, compared to you
Cause everything is a lesser thing
Compared to you, so I surrender all
Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you
Oh, filled with you
Empty me | | |
| my eyes are small, but they have seen
the beauty of enormous things
which leads me to believe
there's light enough to see
You make everything glorious...=)
it's something between just studying for the past six hours in the library and realizing that if you press ctrl-i when typing in mozilla that it opens up the bookmarks instead of making things italic where you find your mind totally wiped out of all normal sense. anyways i'm sure that made no sense either, so i'm not gonna bother trying to explain. ahh yes the joy of free writing, where i can write whatever the heck i want, use, as, many, commas, as, i, want, not abide by the english grammar language at all, parallelism is totally a joke at this point; and just for kicks use a semicolon with an conjunction (not to mention the wrong article there too). anyways there's my bashing of the english language after reading about how to write it properly for the past however many hours. i think this paragraph is starting to lose it's meaning, i'm gonna end it now. (wait i forgot the topic sentence! ahh screw it...)
so it's only been a couple days since retreat and already it feels so far behind me. i guess studying for hours on end, having the day pass by, kinda makes you slowly die on the inside, but that's not the point of this. the point of this is to write about retreat. so, retreat... mmm... was very good. definitely got the rest and retreat i needed, and i do believe i got even more than just that. i think what really stuck out to me this year was just the familiarity of the messages. well of course there were new stuff, like the gospel being the center of everything, but the whole idoltry thing was almost like a flashback from the past. so when jason spoke on all sin being idoltry and something like we have to find out what idols we have and like i dunno destroy them or something. okay that's probably not what he said and i dont really remember what he said exactly, but that's not the point. God had revealed at least the part that i have idols before Him to mean last year after coming off my addiction to gaming. anyways so i guess for record i'm gonna try to write all that i can remember about the messages and what happened.
friday night... man i just dont remember, maybe i should've taken notes, but then that wouldn't matter anyways cuz i lost my booklet. i know he talked about the gospel and how it's the center of our lives. like it's not a first step of a staircase, or the minimum requirement to get into heaven, but it's the axle of the wheel, the center. we gotta keep coming back to the gospel in everything cuz without it, there would be no point of anything else, cuz without Jesus's sacrifice on the cross, we'd still be lost in our sin. and i remember this quote, "Conviction is always an invitation to grace." which i think he said many times during the retreat. and i find it very encouraging because when i sin (which i do... a lot...), sometimes i feel like a hypocrite just trying to confess cuz i know i'm probably going to sin again. i guess this also gets into his message on the last day, which was about confession. so here's another interesting one cuz God had revealed this verse (psalm 51:17) randomly sometime before also. yea anyways, but yea the other verse that was really cool:
(1 John 2:1) "My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense--Jesus Christ, the Righteous One."
so yea and his illustration with the cajon was really good and slightly amusing at the same time.
letsee satruday morning he talked about God and how He made everything. i guess the cool thing was how one of my songs was "wonderful maker" which tied in perfectly with his message. coincidence? i think not! hmm... saturday night he talked about sodom and gomorrah and their sin. the new thing here would be how he mentioned all sin was actually a form of idoltry and everything we call sin is actually just symptoms of idoltry. it makes sense if you think about it cuz something like we sin when God isn't our Lord. something else becomes more important than God, that's idoltry. so yea, i have to agree with him there. hi i'm logan, i'm an idolater. i'm no better than you. 'tis why we need Jesus so much, why the gospel is important, cuz without it, well you can figure that one out on your own now cant you?
i cant seem to remember anything more about his messages, but that's okay i guess. sunday night was nice around the camp fire with people sharing. it was very encouraging and nice to hear people. praise God. oh i remember something now. "If you talk to God about God, He'll talk to you about you." jason said something like that at one point. anyways mmm so i guess the other good thing i got out of this was bonding with people i dont normally hang out with often. it was nice talking with people in my cabin and just hanging out. also hanging out with other ppl not in my cabin too, playing bang, was nice and fun. it was great getting to know people more, and it was nice seeing some college people come back too.
so letsee the only other highlight would be that i tripped, fell, got hurt, and the scrap on my knee is still open and not bleeding, but giving out some strange yellow puss which i'm told is the dead bodies of my white blood cells and bacteria.... yea there's a huge awesome battle going on right now on my knee... anyways...
i dont have much else to talk about, and i'm starting to get tired (at only 9pm O_o), but yea it's been a long day of studying and my mind is like jell-o right now. i guess the biggest thing i got out is more encouragement and reminded of just how God has a plan and purpose for my life, and the purpose of life. i was sitting there looking out the window in the library today and as i looked at the sky i realized that all this studying is good and it's good to study, but it's not me who'll determine where i go, what college i'll get into, what i'll do, because it's not about me. God has a plan and a purpose for me. it's all about Him, and in the end, i know He'll "make everything glorious..." =)
if you wanna see my pictures from retreat here:
part 1: http://hs.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2008906&l=dd5ba&id=1055790694
part 2: http://hs.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2008907&l=88301&id=1055790694
part 3: http://hs.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2008908&l=eeb1d&id=1055790694
Praise God! =)
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he has filled our hearts with wonder
so that we always remember
you and i were made to worship
you and i are called to love
you and i are forgiven and free
you and i embrace surrender
you and i choose to believe
you and i will see who we were meant to be
its very strange i must say to wake up without the sun up. i guess this is just the normal new years tradition, waking up at like around noon everyday of the past week and then as new years rolls around, you pull your half-alnighter, wake up to the smell of delicious pancakes which causes you to wake up even though you got less than like 4 hrs of sleep. then you find yourself watching indiana jones and playing puzzle fighter until you realize you totally forgot about the new years lunch as you answer the phone to your mother asking where in the world you were. then as you drag yourself back home, you look back at the past night and you wonder, was it worth it? and then 12 hrs later you realize, it was worth it. anyways, after lunch you find yourself fighting to stay awake until you fall asleep on a sofa while watching a movie you weren't really watching in the first place. then as being shaken awake by your mother telling you to sleep in your bed, you pull yourself off the sofa and finally crash down on your bed. 8 hrs later and after two really crazy dreams, you lie their in your bed and realize you really cant sleep anymore. you look over at your cell phone and it reads 12:24am. as you roll back over to the other side again trying to fall back to sleep again and as you fail in doing so, you realize you haven't waited on God in a while and lying there you seeing the first week of break flash by your eyes and see all the time you've wasted. you see all the sins you've committed and just all the horrible things. you manage to sit yourself up and in a half awake state you sit in the silence confessing and repenting. after a while you get out of bed and walk out into the dark and empty house. you realize how the silence is both deafening and beautiful at the same time.
well maybe not the exact same thing, but something along the lines of that. anyways as you get on your computer to check your email, something you didn't do all of yesterday, you find one of the people you say happy birthday to through facebook has replied with a thank you message that causes you to laugh a little. looking through the rest of the email, you stumble upon something interesting which your friend says to pass on, which you decide to post on your xanga...
bernice got this text from jaeson
"Sd winter conference
testimony: We just did prophetic evangelism at the mall. Me and howie
prayed and got a heavy set african american woman with a child who was
sick dressed in a purple shirt and who would be healed. Howie said he
got the exact same thing. Large dark woman, with a child and the word
healing. We looked right and we saw a black woman in a purple shirt
sitting by herself eating. We went up and asked if we could pray for
her and if she had a sick child. She said yes, her son has diabetes and
daughter arthritis. She also had arthritis. She coudln't bend her
finger, we prayed for healing, she was instantly healed from her
arthritis in her hand and neck! She was in shock! we made sure she made
Jesus Lord. Praise God her name is Glendora :) (fwd to other students
to fuel faith)"
i am doing so. pass it on!
the next email is from your good friend who sends out volumes of emails of her life. this email inspires you to decide to post on your xanga, something you haven't done in a long long time. you randomly decide to turn on klove through your itunes radio and you hear the song "made to worship" by chris tomlin which as you begin to think about your life and what to write, you hear the lines you post at the beginning of your entry and realize the truth behind the words. then you realize that you're getting tired or writing in second person... =P
as i look back at 2007 and i guess mainly the past 3 or so months which i have not posted about or on at all, i realize that although so much has happened, essentially it all comes down to a couple things. "you and i were made to worship, you and i were made to love." as i look as this past year, i realize it has been a year where God has been teaching me these two thing really, what's really important in life, to worship and to love. and as i think about this, i realize that everything really all comes down to love. love... something so interesting that it's difficult to put in words, but like everything comes from love. God sent His only son to die on the cross for us to wash away our sins because of love. and it's through love where we learn to obey, where obedience comes from. where true happiness and joy are, that's where love is. the only way to truly live is to love. there's so much to say, but i think that it's just one of those things where you find that if you find it out on your own, it's probably easier to understand.
and as i continue to still look back at these past three months, i realize so much has happened, and how important this time has been. from countless nights of working on school work to homecoming. letsee what have i done that i haven't written down. letsee september i didn't really do much. october was homecoming, then pulling alnighters to make up homework. november had my first SAT and more important the supernatural conference. there was also thanksgiving and the church dinner. december had my birthday and finals and of course winter concerts =). then there was christmas which is always a good time of the year. (happy belated christmas everyone btw). and then there's new years (happy belated new years too also).
so i guess i mainly wrote that down to have at least a written record of things i've done. and as i broaden my view a little, i realize how much time has passed and how much i've done and changed. yet thing remains the same, God hasn't changed and never changes. God is always good and with me, in the high, the low, the near, the far. from standing on the stage to falling facedown on the floor in tears, God has always been there and will always be. sometimes i wonder what the point and the purpose of having this "transition" life right now and i still cant figure a definite answer at all. but something i am reminded of is at least this much, learning to trust in God and living by faith and by grace. and of course learning to love as God does.
and as i look toward the coming year, i see this as my last year of being the way i have been these past 17 years in a physical materialistic sense. i've never really been fond of new years resolutions as i tend to find myself not following them much. but i guess i will write something down. i know that God has a plan and a purpose for my life and whatever happens, happens for a reason. i look at myself and i look at the future, i decide to close my eyes and look to the heavens with the eyes of my spirit. at least i will try to. haha i'm starting to not make anymore sense to myself even. well here goes nothing.
to be a man after God's own heart
to be a mary not a martha
to be a lover, a seeker, a leader, and a follower
to be who i was made and meant to be
well i'm starting to get tired again and maybe i can finally fall back to sleep. it's been a good year and i'm sure it's gonna be a great coming year. as long as i keep my eyes on God and not to myself or the world. whatever happens, happens for a reason. God is always good, so dont worry too much about it.
praise God =)
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